So what is it?那么又是什么？ Let's begin by defining these guys.让我们首先确定这些家伙。 This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly.这个名词是普遍适用于男性对待女性差。 Do these behaviors ring a bell?做这些行为一响钟声？

*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get together *停靠8:30上周六晚问，如果你想得到在一起

*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology *不显示了一个日期后，没有电话或道歉

*never having any money when you are out *不要有任何金钱时，你是出

* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates *忘记或忽视你的生日和其他重要日期

*flirting openly with other women when you are together *公开示与其他妇女当你在一起

*hitting on your good friend(s) *打你的好朋友（ ■ ）

*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with others *使追赃电话凌晨后，他们已经进行了夜出与他人

*is doing time for a serious felony *做的时候了严重重刑

Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them.而不问"什么是对这些家伙" ;让的，而是研究它是什么左右的妇女不能抗拒。 The following are actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys.以下是实际报表妇女从有史以吸引这些家伙。 See if any of these sound familiar.看看这些熟悉的声音。

* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting." * " ，它的枯燥从未与他的。他的不可预见性和振奋。 "

* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him." * "他的坚强，进取和自信;我感到安全了。 "

* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together." * " ，它不是他的过错;他的努力得到他的生活在一起。 "

* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does." * "我还没有见过任何一个人，这让我觉得他没有" 。

* "He's so charming and passionate." * " ，他的如此迷人和激情" 。

* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me." * "他告诉我多少钱，他喜欢我，所以他要真的觉得东西我" 。

* "He needs me." * "他需要我" 。

* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate." * "他不来，作为全国贫困和绝望" 。

* "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him." * "我不能相信，我居然吸引别人和他一样" 。

Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign.现在，面对这些，他们似乎相当温和。 We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose.我们都寻求至少有这些特质，在男人我们选择。 So, where's the problem?所以，那里的问题？

Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs.基本上，它的，他无法满足女人的基本需要。 She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving.她是一个做所有（或大多数）的给予。 The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"那么问题就在于; "什么的，它在为她" ？

The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:答案可以发现，探索三个基本问题：

*level of self-esteem *自尊水平

*capacity for intimacy *容量为亲情

*roles that she has been in throughout her life *角色，她一直在她的整个人生

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected.如果女人感觉好自己，她选择伴侣的人沟通，双方口头和非口头上，她觉得她是受到重视和尊重。 She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth.她不会容许这种情况的其他人破坏她正面的自我价值。 She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.她相信她有能力参与一个健康，互惠的关系。

If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.如果她不觉得好自己，她选择的人，她加强了消极的自我信念。

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person.如果一个女人能真正亲密，她是开放的真正供货的其他人。 She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship.她想他是一个充分和积极参与的关系。 She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.她可以让自己以开放的，脆弱和能够采取以及接收所有真正亲密的机会。

If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.如果亲情是困难的，她选择的人是遥远，硬连接而不是情绪和/或身体上可用。

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.如果一个女人有一个健康的角色关系，她自童年时，她会选择与之她能继续这种良性互动。

If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.如果女人已经很久作用自救，或照顾人的牺牲为好他人，这可能会扮演何种角色，她会找出她的关系。

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues.所幸的是，大多数妇女属于某处之间对这些问题。 So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.因此，任务是评估自己在每个领域，并决定了行动方针，这将有助于您选择一个"好家伙" ，掀起你的感官满足您的需要，而真正供实质关系。

Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without.开始评估你的价值，最有生命，不能生活。

Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on "clarifying and living your values".去http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm一篇文章"澄清和你的生活价值" 。

Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.一旦你知道什么是最重要，你认为你是值得的，实现它，你将采取一大步迈向寻找合适的合作伙伴，为你。

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience.托尼科尔曼，垃圾是一个持牌心理和主教练的关系超过20年的经验。 As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines.作为公认的专家，托妮已引述许多地方和全国性出版物包括：芝加哥论坛报和奥兰多前哨报家庭圈子，女人的一天，星杂志。 She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online.她一直精选广播新闻;发现健康频道和美国在线上网。 As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback.作为一个周刊特约评论员对ktrs电台晨秀（圣路易斯谟）托妮提供约会贴士及相关咨询回应听众反馈。 Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships.托妮创办耗水- mate.com 2002年单打提供知识和工具，他们需要寻找和维持健康，持久的爱情关系。 She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches她是一位国际教练联合会，国际协会教练